I find myself pushing the limits of my brain trying to think of reasons why I do the things I do that mess my life around. That in itself is a dragging pain of mentality. I don’t think anything compairs to self doubt with actual fact to back it up. It feel less of a downward spiral and more the like a dark wallowing swamp.
Alot of accumulated feelings come together to create this swamp of unhappiness. Don’t get me wrong it’s so crap here that there arnt even alligators, so that’s one plus. As bad as it is I see other people who’s life is alot crappier by their own doing and it does lift my spirits a bit to think..’im not there yet’.
This selfishness aside I push on my day to day with a smile to customers at my work, sometimes a quick cry in the toilet, but always finishing feeling zapped of mental ability and energy. It could be worse, alot worse but it’s still pretty crap.
If I have learnt anything it is that happiness like sadness can be fleeting, so I’m determined to feel as much as possible during both. What really defines us is how we deal with both and I’ll be fucked if I’ll let the dark swampy parts of my story take charge!
Thank you for listening,it’s been good to talk to you again my friend.